Plaid Penguins by the name of Archibald
by Who needs coordination anyways
Summary: If only that ice sculptured chocolate fountain didn’t resemble a penguin, the tale of Sirius Black's wedding presents to some of his very good friends, whom we know as Lily and James. Lily's POV. Oneshot.


A/N: Well, hello...I must apoligize profusely for not updating Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough in so long and I realize I should be hit with a large variety of random objects. But I did a contest a few months ago, this piece, and had to put it up, hope you and enjoy and I swear I'm working on the last chapter, I'm hoping to update soon.

* * *

**If only that Ice Sculptured Chocolate Fountain didn't resemble a Penguin**

Well…my wedding was an _interesting _event, to say the least. Looking back I'd have to say all of those interesting parts were due to Sirius. I mean there were some other things involved but they all lead back up to Sirius.

So, I suppose I probably should start telling you what actually happened. Now, I'm warning you, this gets a bit chaotic at times. Then again, a wedding with James Potter couldn't happen any other way.

Let's see when this whole List of Disasters began, shall we?

The first on the list is the rainbow/unicorn issue. It was the day after James' bachelor party and my bachelorette party. That in it self should have been a warning sign to me since everyone would be completely hung over. 

Anyways, I was with my maid of honor, Sierra, altering her dress. We still hadn't gotten any napkins, tablecloths or those little take-homey things they have at weddings.

Being logical I figured even James and Sirius could handle buying some white table cloths and napkins and get some bubbles or something.

Apparently logic was greatly lacking at that store.

Somehow Sirius spotted the rainbow/unicorn themed section of the store and persuaded James I would love it. Hah. I don't think you'll fully appreciate how WONDERFUL this purchase was unless you knew exactly what they bought.

Let's start with the tablecloths; they're light blue with little images of rainbows, unicorns and sparkly stars. The pictures move too. Now the napkins are exactly the same but in napkin-y form and say our names and the date of the wedding on them. The best part is the take-homey things.

A glittery pink bubble bottle with the same writing on the napkins and the bubble's are the images from the tablecloth. They don't pop for at least two hours either. Remember though, they were on sale. Needless to say Remus went along any other time I sent them out.

The next event on the List of Disaster was several of Sirius's wedding presents. The two he gave us before the wedding that is, Jily, Lames and Archibald. Let's go back to when Sirius gave us those first few of our wedding presents…

* * *

I keep staring at myself in the mirror. I don't look like I'm about to get married today. Personally I think it looks as if I'm having a panic attack because I'm lost in an enormous wedding dress store. And I can use that description because when I was wedding dress shopping I er…drifted away from the clerk lady. 

Let me tell you, being almost smothered to death by lace, while lost in a maze of puffy white material is not fun. It's actually quite creepy. The point is when I managed to escape that evil lace I saw my reflection. And I have the same exact expression right now. Not that I'm having second thoughts or anything.

It's just like all of the sudden it's hit me. I'm getting married. I'll be Mrs. James Potter, not Lily Evans. Ok, well I'll still be Lily but not Evans. So, Evans will still be my maiden name but ah! I'm just trying to say, after today it's Lily Potter. There that's what I meant.

Honestly if you told me 10 years ago I'd be getting married to James Potter I would have personally taken you to St. Mungo's. I glance at my engagement ring and my stomach clenches. When I'm nervous I click my tongue a lot. I just know it'll be perfectly silent and I'll just start clicking my tongue.

Everyone will think I'm insane. What if when I'm half way down the aisle I trip, or laugh hysterically or accidentally repeat the wrong lines. Or what if someone objects to the wedding and James is like 'Hey I don't want to marry you I want to marry her' and runs away over the sunset with the objector.

Ah! This is so nerve wrecking. James wouldn't do that though. Or at least I hope not. What if he does? Oh my god. I need a paper bag. Breathe in…it'll be fine. I didn't like him for 7 bloody years and he stayed after me, it's not likely he'll leave me on our wedding day.

"Uh…Lils? You ok? You're turning blue." I jump at Remus' voice and realize I haven't taken a breath out yet. Oops. I gasp to release the air and Remus looks at me amused. "Not going to forget to breathe up there, are you?"

I snort, "Let's hope not." There's a knock on the dressing room door. Remus had offered to help my carry my dress in so I didn't drag it on the ground. Which is why, we're in here. "Who is it?"

"It's Sirius. You're not in your wedding dress are you?" I look at Remus to see if he knows where Sirius is going with this, but he just shrugs.

"No, not right now, why?"

"I just wanted to give you and James some of your wedding presents right now. James can't see you in your dress before the wedding though so…uh. What was I saying? Oh, yeah! Lily, come here!" I roll my eyes and laugh. He has about a 4 second attention span.

I warily, open the door to see James leaning against the wall and Sirius with 2 brightly wrapped presents. Remus and I shuffle into the hall and Sirius begins bouncing up and down. "You _have_ to open these! They're so cool!"

James shook his head in disbelief, "I still can't believe that you've gotten us 5 wedding gifts. On my birthday last year you gave me a "card", that was actually used newspaper that you wrote 'James Happy Birthday. I value your friendship' on."

Sirius looks affronted, "Hey! I do value your friendship and I was a little short on money then. That's also what this present is for!" He shoves the smaller of the packages to James.

"And this m'dear Lily is for the whole er…tablecloth and related objects problem. I'm really sorry about that, again." He waves me over to the package "It's too heavy to push to you." Well…that's really sweet of him to get us this many wedding gifts.

Knowing Sirius though I'm worried but what the presents actually are.

I glance at James "You want to open yours first?"

He grins "Why, you're ever so chivalrous." I laugh as he starts opening it. He knows I'm completely skeptical of the fact if these actually are presents.

The last bit of wrapping paper falls to the floor and we're all staring at… "CACTUSES!"

James, Remus and I all turn to stare at Sirius. One of the cacti has red yarn glued to the top of it and the other has black yarn that's all over the place glued to the top and is wearing black round frame glasses.

We're all still staring at Sirius and he gives us an odd look, like we're the ones completely mental. "What? The one with the red hair is Jily and the one with the glasses is Lames."

Slowly I manage, "Jily and Lames?"

He nods enthusiastically, "Yup! Those cactuses are just like you! Except for their names and they're plants…that live in the desert…"

Remus winces as Sirius has once again said 'cactuses', "Sirius, its cacti."

He turns confused to Remus "What?"

Remus sighs, "If there is more than one cactus then they're called cacti."

"Nu-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"You're just making it up!" Sirius shouts accusingly.

Remus gasps, "I most certainly am not! Here I'll even prove its cacti!" He whips out a pocket dictionary and now everyone stares at him.

This goes unnoticed by Remus though as he's furiously flipping through the pages. "Hah! Right here! The plural form of cactus is cacti!" Pointing frantically at the page, Remus is practically jumping in glee.

Sirius sticks his tongue out at him, "Whatever, at least I don't carry a pocket dictionary!"

Remus rolls his eyes, "Honestly, that is such a lame come back."

With a 'humph' Sirius turns back to me "Ok, Lils it's your turn now! We don't want him to suffocate in there, now."

I immediately back away from the present did he say 'him to suffocate in there'? As in something is alive, in there. Oh god. This probably will not end well.

Sirius looks to me expectantly while James and Remus _oh so_ discreetly sidle further away from the present. I start ripping off the wrapping paper and there's a wooden crate, uh-oh. Finally, I've gotten the wrapping all off and now I see a huge wooden crate with air holes.

It shakes and I jump and stare at it as if the crate is what's alive. What if it's some weird creature from the forbidden forest? I wouldn't put that past Sirius since he'd think it was just bundles of fun and when it bit you, it really was a symbol of love.

Even though you'd most likely die of blood loss, can you guess something like this has happened before? The crate shakes again but this time I go towards it. I can feel James and Remus staring at me apprehensively but Sirius isn't, he's just grinning maniacally.

Slowly I turn the door knob and the little door swings open. Now any of that courage that had been built up, that minute amount disappears immediately and I squeak and run away from the crate. Then without warning there's an odd squawk. James grabs me and pulls me further away from the box and pinning me between him and the wall.

A small, foot timidly appears, an orange webbed foot and then out waddles a penguin. James lets go of my arm and steps away, I swear his eyebrows just disappeared.

The penguin continues waddling out and squawks at Sirius then waddles over to him. I can't keep my eyes off the penguin. Why you may ask? This isn't a normal black and white penguin. It's a red and gold plaid penguin.

Sirius pats it on the head and mutters a charm that makes a fish appear. He tosses it and as the penguin catches it he cheers "WOO! Good catch Archie!"

I stammer slightly "Archie? Sirius where did you get a penguin from? And why the hell is he plaid?"

Sirius smiles at me "Archie is short for Archibald and I got him at this place in London. They had loads of animals there. Those muggles weren't very nice you know, they were trying to get me with this weird glow-y gun contraption."

I wince, "That'd be a stunt gun. If they were chasing you with a stunt gun, obviously you weren't supposed to be taking a penguin! Now, where exactly in London was this?" I've got a hunch where he got Archie from, and if I'm right this is not good at all.

He shrugs, "I dunno, it was really big and like I said it had loads and loads of animals for people to look at. Kind of rude, I thought. This one bloke was making fun of a gorilla and let me tell you, if he was in the crate you could have mistaken _him _for a gorilla."

Suddenly James catches on to my train of though as well, "Oh god Sirius, you mean the London Zoo?"

Sirius nods, "Hey, yeah that's the one!"

Remus rubs his temples, "So you stole a penguin from the zoo, named him Archibald and I'm guessing you turned him plaid too?"

He nods again, "To shorten it up, yes."

"And uh, why, exactly?"

Sirius frowns, "Hm…well I turned him plaid because they always say penguin look like they're wearing tuxes. I thought that was extremely tacky, so I turned him plaid!"

I lift an eyebrow, "And you're trying to tell me a plaid tux is less tacky than a normal tux?" If he honestly thinks that I'm going to shopping with him from now on. I've been wondering why he's been dateless for so long, if he's strolling around with plaid tuxes it's no wonder.

"Oh…didn't think of it that way, good point!"

Remus shook his head and sighed, "Did you ever explain WHY you stole a penguin in the first place?"

As Sirius tosses Archie another fish he scrunches up his face as if that'll help him remember, "You know I can't exactly recall why at the moment."

James stares at Archie for a while, "So what are we going to do with him during the wedding? We can't let him in there and we can't let him run around outside."

Remus points to the crate but Sirius yelps and runs in front of the crate his arms spread out as if blocking it off. "No! You can't put Archie back in there! He's already been in there for basically an hour! If he's in there the whole day he'll die!" That's probably true and he can't die, we have to give him back to the zoo.

"How about we just keep him in a dressing room? Its big enough in there and nobody will know he's here."

The 3 of them look at me considering this and all shrug in unison, "Ok."

* * *

And that my friend is how Jily, Lames and Archie came into the picture. Now the next event present on the List of Disaster is what happened with my Great Aunt Enid. 

This was during the reception, so at least one positive thing I can say is, the ceremony went well. No tongue clicking, tripping or riding off in the sunset with objectors occurred. So in my books, the ceremony went well.

The only minor glitches were when Sierra sneezed and knocked over a candle and when Remus accidentally dropped a chocolate wrapper in the aisle.

It was ok though, Dumbledore said his robes weren't singed too badly and I got to mock Remus. Not very often do you get to mock Remus but I found it highly amusing. It was such a Sirius type of action to drop a candy wrapper. As a whole though, the ceremony went perfectly fine.

The reception on the other hand…was not so perfectly fine. Shall we recall? I think we shall.

* * *

I'm married. I'M MARRIED. I'm married to James Potter! I feel like I'm slightly detached from what's going on. My brain keeps spazzing out with the words 'I'M MARRIED' flashing across my mind. 

We're all eating the main course right now. And yes, with the rainbow/unicorn themed tablecloths, napkins and take-homey things. Like Sierra said though, this is something that is going to make people remember our wedding for. Speaking of people at our wedding, they keep giving us presents, right now.

I mean I appreciate the gifts but hello! We're trying to eat and be married. Ok so maybe not so much the being married part right now but we're trying to eat right now!

Urgh, another woman hands me a huge gift. "Thanks!" She smiles and walks away, hahaha, my voice sounded like a lame recording for a telephone company. I plop the gift on the table with the others and now I can't see James anymore.

He's lost behind the Great Wall of Wedding Gifts.

I gloomily sit down. All I want to do is eat and see my husband. Hah! Husband. I'M MARRIED! I take a gulp of water and promptly begin choking. I keep on coughing since I swallowed the water the wrong way and the top of James' hair suddenly becomes visible. "Lils? Are you alright? Where are you?"

He starts to move presents in an attempt to find me but I clear my throat and stop making the strangling noises before he gets to me.

Finally his face appears, "You ok?" I laugh as the pile next to him wobbles dangerously and he hops out of the way as it crashes down. I feel like we've been ambushed by demonic wedding gifts.

James looks at the presents everywhere and starts laughing too. "Think we should put some of them in the dressing room?"

Just as he says this Sirius turns to him, "You want these put in the dressing room?"

I shrug, "That's probably the best place for them right now, but don't put them in the room with Archie. Do you understand?"

Sirius rolls his eyes, "Yes, mum." In a few minutes he has all the gifts charmed to follow him to the dressing room. Soon there are no more presents in the room, just the sound of them slamming into the walls as they go down the hallway.

James smiles at me, "Much better, now when you choke I'll be able to attempt to save you."

I laugh smirk back "Thank you; you're such a kind gentleman." I look back down at my plate to start eating and NO! Aw, man, I'm out of potatoes. I finally can eat _and _see my husband, literally, and I don't have any more potatoes.

Oh well I guess I'll just go get some more, "I'll be right back James, I have to get more potatoes." He almost opens his mouth then realizes if he does it'll be Mt. Vesuvius in food form. So he just waves as his form of comprehension. I get up and make my way to the table with the food, as I'm scooping the potatoes onto my plate I see Sirius sitting back down. I'll have to thank him for dropping those gifts off.

That's when I hear a stunned, petrified scream. Spinning around, I'm met with my Great Aunt Enid on the floor, Jily and Lames stuck in her shoulder pads and Archie standing on the table.

Oh, great. I quickly help my Great Aunt off the floor, "I'm so sorry! What happened? Are you hurt?"

She squints at Archie then to the ice sculpture next to Archie, which actually is a chocolate fountain. "Well, I'll be damned that wasn't the chocolate fountain. I was wondering why it squawked." With a shake of her head she turns to face me, "It's alright dearie, I'm fine. I forgot my glasses, that's all. Seeing things again, honestly I should have listened to Earl and worn them but I thought I'd be fine."

As she brushes off her skirt I pull out Jily and Lames form her shoulder pads before she can notice. Most of the people who heard her scream thought, like she did, that Archie was the chocolate fountain and went back to eating.

Great Aunt Enid picks up her plate again and smiles, "Thanks again, love; I'll be seeing you again later!" I smile back and wait till she leaves then turned to Archie.

Maybe I can smuggle him away under my dress. I just hope he doesn't leap into the punch bowl, he's eyeing up though. That sneaky bird. Slowly I creep forward but sadly as I leap at him he yelps and jumps off the table, squawking and waddling away. Shit, now everyone's looking.

James, Sirius and Remus are at my side quick as lightening. I look at Sirius my hands still clenched around Jily and Lames, the potted parts not the actual cacti, "I thought I told you NOT to go in the room with Archie in it!"

He winces, "I didn't, I swear! I think the presents hit the door open was I was taking them down the hall though."

I continue seething at him and James decides to talk before I explode. "Then why did he have Jily and Lames with him?"

Sirius grins as if relishing old times with Archie, "He helped glue the yarn on them, and they're both his best mates now."

James cocks his head to the side, "Hey speaking of that, when did you start buying yarn?"

My mouth drops open. There is a kidnapped, plaid penguin named Archibald running around the room and they're discussing yarn. Remus pries my hands from the cacti, most likely since I was about to impale James and Sirius with them.

I interrupt them in a sweet voice, "Guys, sorry to jump into your conversation but would you mind helping CATCH THE PENGUIN THAT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE RUNNING AROUND THE FRICKIN ROOM!"

They both flinch and we immediately begin chasing after Archie. Everyone just gawks at us and as we pass the main table Sierra jumps up to help us. "I have no bloody clue what's going on, but I'm going to help!"

I manage to pant out, "Thanks. Explain. Later." We chase after Archie for another 10 minutes and damn it! I didn't think penguins could waddle this fast. We pass a table of my cousins and I hear a part of a discussion, "Yeah, there's a missing penguin from the London Zoo. They say some lunatic came and stole it. They're got a reward out and everything."

Sirius turns and smiles innocently as I tug my hair frustrated. "You are so delusional, Sirius."

"But you still love me anyways?"

I grin at his ability to give me the puppy dog face while running, "Of course." Finally after half an hour we manage to pen Archie back in the dressing room, along with Jily and Lames. We all troop back into the room and everyone looks at us, waiting for an explanation.

James walks in front of us and shrugs, "What can I say, we couldn't resist from adding a little something!" They all burst into laughter and I beam as James winks at me. He always was quick on his feet; let's just hope he never becomes a criminal. Even if he does though, that's my husband.

* * *

Now, this is devastating to say but that last event completes the List of Disaster. 

The rest of the reception went without any problems and thankfully no one questioned the penguin. Well besides Sierra but of course we promised to tell her anyways. That List of Disaster, also known as my wedding was one of the best experiences I've had.

Oh, and Archie was un-plaid-ified and returned to the London Zoo, thanks to James' invisibility cloak. It was actually pretty sad saying goodbye, so we all stop by at least once a month.

Jily and Lames come along as well and they're doing just fine. Lames' glasses have broken several times but otherwise they've experienced no other troubles.

And Sirius' other 3 wedding presents did turn out to be very useful, a silverware set, a huge crap load of picture frames and a photo album for our wedding. The last one was my favorite. If I must say so myself, the way my wedding unfolded is the only way I would have it. Imagine if everything went perfectly?

No horrified expressions from girls at bridal shops, no extremely odd pictures in the album and no odd gifts from Sirius? No, thanks. I'll take my husband's and our friend's weirdness over normalcy any time.

My only piece of advice is if you're going to get an ice sculptured chocolate fountain, make sure it does _not_ resemble a penguin.

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun writing this. I've for some reason always wanted a penguin present at a wedding... To keep it simpler for the contest I only had one of Lily's friends. Don't forget to REVIEW please!  



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